Dear Soon To Be Mother

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  • Marsha Flemmings

For the next few weeks I would love to have a conversation with a very specific group of women. There may be something in this for others but I know and remember very vividly what the period of my life was like when I had a little human growing inside of me and I was preparing to step into motherhood; and I would like to serve those women.

So if you are planning on becoming a new mom, you just stepped into motherhood or you are reentering motherhood again after many years I am holding space for you today. In this space there is no judgment, there are no directives or instructions. I KNOW that your journey will be unique and how you face and cope with that journey will be even more so.

I am holding this space so that if you want to talk, or cry, or listen or eat while you read lol, or if you would like to close this and go take a well deserved nap that is perfectly okay too because I will be here when you get back. I would love to hear from you if you have anything you want to share or have questions about. Let’s be clear, I am no expert on this pregnancy and motherhood stuff. It is the hardest thing I am doing in my life but I love it (most days ………. Remember no judgment) and I have experienced and witnessed that maybe some of us may desire and welcome a listening ear and support.

Today I just want to take a moment to encourage you. I want to let you know that if you are anxious or nervous or even afraid, it is not only normal, it is perfectly okay. No-one is ever fully prepared for how our lives change when we walk into this experience and in fact what has helped me is letting go of this idea of perfection in motherhood and holding on to the focus of continuing to grow and loving my child.

I had one of those experiences that people talk about where having a child changes your life. However that did not happen just as he was born. In fact I spent the first few weeks, months maybe, thinking my child didn’t know I was his mother but more on that in another post. That moment came a year after he was born. In fact that change ultimately led to my success today as a Bestsellingg author, speaker and coach.

I had so much desire for my son’s life, who he could become and the impact he could make in this world that one day I had to evaluate if I was living the example of what I knew I would be teaching him. It was tough to accept that all this stuff I had planned and already written to him about using failure as a part of your process to success, overcoming fear, living intentionally, trusting the process and all that stuff that sounds good but is sooooooo hard to live, I was woefully lacking in many of those areas. I recall vividly sitting up in my one afternoon, looking at him on the monitor sleeping in his crib with tears streaming down my face at the thought that I truly wasn’t going to be able to give him the best foundation unless I was also willing to continue to grow. The thought of failing him terrified me.

Now, at the core of it, my intentions/desires for him were very valid but I placed so much judgment on myself for a bit before I really stepped into action. I judged every idle dollar I ever spent in my life (seriously in my life!) I was literally slapping myself for wasting money in my early twenties. I judged myself for opportunities I didn’t take up or for not going back and getting my masters, for every mistake I had made in life.

See in my emotions and panic I didn’t realize that all the things that I was judging myself for, discrediting and disqualifying myself from ever possibly being a good mother were exactly the life experiences that I could use to help me guide my son better.

I am sharing all of this because maybe some of you mothers or mothers to be are feeling unsure, unprepared and unworthy. Maybe some of you are judging yourselves so critically about where you are, what you could have done and what you didn’t do that you can’t see who you are, what you have done and what that has given to you.

I don’t want to just offer “oh it will all be ok” or “everything will work out” because that would be a bit unfair and insincere. There will be some days everything will not all be ok and sometimes it will feel like somethings are not working out. I do however want to remind you of somethings that have helped me.

  • The things you have gone through don’t disqualify you. They in fact help to inform you if you allow them.
  • The more you nurture yourself and the more you grow, the more you have to offer to your baby.
  • The decisions that you have made or will make (because yes we will make decisions that may not be the best) are not reasons to continue to be brutal to yourself. I suspect you have been empathetic or forgiving to someone else and even encouraged them to forgive themselves. Your own heart would love some of that.
  • You may get lost in your baby and everything else that is happening in life but this is yourlife and at some point the essence of who you are needs to be fed. You do get to choose, for some it takes months, for some it takes years and for some when the children are all grown and gone is when they are trying to reconnect with who they are. You are on your own journey through this life and your baby is a beautiful part of that journey. I desire for you the satisfaction of living your whole
  • This journey is not about perfection, as I have learned. How do I know? Because even with the best intentions, we will do something(s) that one day our child(ren) will interpret differently than we intended and it will affect them in ways we never meant. I think the more we are able to hold on to guiding principles of acting in love and also ensuring we are growing and learning from our experiences we will find the ease and grace to get through those moments.
  • And the absolutely most magical part to me is that this experience can serve both mother and child. I think we may all agree that the best kinds of relationships are those where each person is serving the other in some way and not necessarily the same A truly special thing happens when as mothers we not only approach this relationship and experience seeking only to teach and guide but we are also just as open and keen on what the relationship and experience can teach us, especially if it is teaching us about ourselves. It can really be a beautiful exchange.

I would love to hear from you and want to know where you are in your journey and what are the thoughts and feelings that you are processing. In the weeks to come I hope it becomes increasingly evident that this mother of a now 3 year old, energy filled body of love and mouth of many opinions is committed and passionate about helping us mothers navigate this journey and all that comes with it with a bit more compassion for ourselves, purpose for our lives and fluidity in guiding our children.

Reminding you that your life is your legacy and leaving you with this quote I came across.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Osho

So much love and blessings

Marsha.

Marsha - The Leadership & Legacy Coach.